1 Year Postpartum

Today marks one year since the birth of my son. At 9pm on this day, last year, I was being prepared for surgery and 38 minutes later Edward was born.

You can read the details of the birth HERE

All in all the C-section went well. (on my part anyway) My scar healed well, fairly quickly and with no further trouble. As is usual with C-sections the skin around the scar was numb for a long time while the nerves repaired themselves. I now have complete feeling all around the area. It returned sometime around 9-10 months.

The scar is also shorter than it was after the operation. Not as dark and the scar tissue is not as tough.

A few months into the pregnancy I got stretch marks across my hips and breasts. I didn't get the three small stretch marks on my stomach until after I had Edward.

At first I was interested in getting rid of these as soon as I could. I used Bio Oil on and off for the first few months. I stopped using it rather quickly, realising I actually don't mind them. In fact I actually can't picture my body without them.

For those of you who have not read my previous posts, my son passed away at 26 days old. You can read more info on this HERE, HERE and HERE

In recovering form my C-section I tried not to diet (history of eating disorders) in favour of exercise. That quickly went out the window though. Exercise, I have never been a fan of. It's only this month that my body has returned completely to my pre-pregnancy weigh, after hovering a few pounds above for the past six months. It's something I've been trying to talk myself out of concentrating on. easier said than done though.

Why It's Okay To Cut People From Your Life

Every now and then we're forced to take a look at our lives and re-evaluate our situations.

This is something I've been forced to do recently. It's never an easy decision to make - cutting someone completely from your life - but, unfortunately, sometimes, it's necessary.

On the run up to Christmas I deleted my Facebook in the attempts to ease the pain at the upcoming celebrations. it would have my sons first Christmas - he'd have been 11 months old - and we'd planned on ignoring the holiday completely.

It didn't go as we'd planned.

Throughout the year we'd been dealing with a family member writing daily status updates about Edward. I'm not completely unreasonable - although under the circumstances I think I'm allowed to be a little unreasonable - I understand there are a lot of people who didn't get to play the roles they were meant for. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. But, this person took over sole responsibility of grieving.

No matter what kind of day we were having would be upset as soon as we logged on to Facebook. It was a daily reminder of what we've lost. They'd comment on everything anyone would put up about Ted. Every picture, every status, there they'd be with a like and a comment and eventually it just became too much.

This, along with the updates from my best friend about her son, made it difficult. (I do want to point out that I love the updates from my friend. Her son is the cutest little thing and I love them both dearly. However, because he was born the day after Edward died, looking at him is sometimes a reminder of where Edward would be if he were here.)

After deleting my Facebook, I became a lot more unreachable. My mobile phone had completely died some months previous and I'd been using Facebook as something of a messaging service.

Paddy hadn't deleted his, but you don't always want to go through someone's partner to get hold of them.

Closer to Christmas Paddy messaged the family member asking them to stop the status'. He'd wanted to do this for a while but I'd always told him not to. But I don't want to be the person to tell him what opinions he can and cannot have about his own son. That's not my place.

We'd read through the message several times to make sure everything made sense and it wasn't rude or hurtful in anyway. The initial message we got back was filled with understanding and apologies. The next was not.

This person has been in a relationship with a controlling man for the past two years. This man was once in a relationship with my best friend, (I live in small town) and it ended the day he tried to kill her. (so NOT joking) Needless to say, we do not get on.

You could tell the minute she'd shown him the message because the air of the message became hostile and the writing was not her own.

She continued her onslaught against my partner, calling him some awful names and even bringing up the fact that she'd helped to sort out Edward's funeral bill.

When we left to visit Paddy's family for a while, everything calmed down - for us at least - and we were completely stress free.

When we returned, it took less than a day to realise that nothing had died down at all.

The family member had thrown a fit, writing status after status slagging off both my partner and myself. It annoyed me a little that she's clearly not grasped any of the points we'd made, but what upset me more were the comments written by others underneath.

People that I've known my entire life now feeling that they had the right to have a public opinion on my son's I re-death and the right to question my grief. Anger took hold of me and I re-activated my Facebook.

I wrote a comment on the one status that upset me the most. Only one. I pointed out that I was the mother of the child as well as the object of slander. The entire status was deleted after that. I also wrote my own status, stating why I re-activated my Facebook as well as setting a few things straight.

I've not said anything else on the matter - I've said what I needed to say - and I've also not spoken to the family member since.

Just because someone is related to you or you've known someone for a long time, does not mean you owe them your time.

If someone is poisonous to your life and they don't make you feel good about yourself, you don't need them.

New Years Snippets

I haven't really taken a lot of photos this year. Something that's a bit odd for me as previous years I've snapped photos everywhere I've been. At the start of the year I was pregnant and expecting my son at any moment so didn't really have a camera on me. After my son arrived we took hundreds of photos in the short amount of time that we had him. After his death, photos didn't really seem a priority.
So this year I only have a handful of photos.

My dress for the evening. I had planned on taking some proper photos of my outfit but I've spent the beginning of the new year ill so I'm sticking with this one.

The girls and I before heading out. Although the flash was on for this, I am actually that pale. :/

Dancing like loons.

New Years Resolutions: Lessons To Live Life By And Future Goals

So begins yet another new year. Another fresh start and a chance to make those changes you promised yourself you would make this time last year but failed.
I'm not a fan of New Years Resolutions. I don't make them often and when I do they're never anything inspiring and I usually forget about them completely within the first few days, if not immediately.
Each new day can be a chance to start things fresh. The slate wiped clean after each night and the things you got wrong yesterday you can get right today. I'm trying to keep that in mind throughout this year.
Whenever I'm feeling uninspired I search for quotes. I write them down in a small notebook that I keep in my bag. The idea was that I could look at them whenever I needed a little boost but in truth once I've written them down, I don't look at them again. Still, having them close to me all the time proves to be something of a comfort. Here are the five that I've found for the beginning of this year:

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be - Ralph Waldo Emerson

May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. - Nelson Mandela

If you never did you should. these things are fun and fun is good. - Dr Seuss

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny - C.S. Lewis

Be the change you wish to see in the world - Ghandi

I've missed 2013. At the beginning of the year everything held so much promise, but as the end of February came and went it set the mood for the rest of the year. I shut myself away from everything and it wasn't until recently that I realised I'd missed a lot.
So this year I'm making a few changes. Obviously things will still be difficult. Grief is like a thick fog that you carry with you everywhere and I don't expect it go any time soon. In fact I don't want it to go. But I am going to try and keep myself more motivated.
Goals for the upcoming year:

• Don't avoid going out
• Create (I've taken up sketching again recently and I didn't realise how much I missed it)
• Don't spend everyday in my pyjamas on the sofa (although I am allowing myself some days of this)
• Write more
• Clear the clutter (my house is full of stuff I don't need)

There are a few more things I'd like to do this year but I wouldn't necessarily call them goals. My health has taken a little turn for the worse during the end of the year and I need tog et that sorted out. I can't afford to lose any more weight but an upcoming visit with my doctor will hopefully help all that out. Paddy and I are also continuing trying to conceive. Whether that'll happen before the end of the year though is another thing entirely.
Happy New Year Guys.