Monthly Update :: July

This month, my posts have been sporadic, at best. But, I have a very good excuse. I've been out living, and doing things. It's quite liberating. I've been learning to hoop, honing my poi skills, getting caught in thunderstorms, and broadening my horizons. 

I want to take this blog in a different direction than its been heading, lately. I don't want to go down the "look what I'm wearing" beauty/lifestyle type thing that it's been. Ideally I want it to be what my original thought for it was. Art, writing and creative what-not.

I feel like I've been struggling to produce content, purely for contents sake, and that's never a good thing. It's not enjoyable to write and its certainly not enjoyable to read. Even as I'm writing this I'm trying desperately to find words enough to fill the post out. So, instead, I'm going to leave you there and I shall hopefully be back soon with something I'm a little more invested in.

Floral Tunic :: Outfit

Cardigan :: Hand-me-down

Tunic/top :: Peacocks

Jeans :: Matalan

Shoes :: The Factory Shop

Dungarees :: Outfit

Vest Top :: Peacocks

Dungarees :: Topshop

Shoes :: The Factory Shop

Far Out Festival 1968 :: Outfit

Shirt :: Thrift Store

Bag :: Thrift Store

Shorts :: Hand-me-downs

Converse :: Hand-me-downs

Cardigan :: Hand-me-downs

New Shirt :: Casual Outfit

Found this Tee shirt in a charity shop (thirft store if you're not from the U.K) for £1.

It's so comfy and I actually fell in love with it a bit.

Leggings :: Peacocks

Blue Blue Blue

The sun seriously bleached the green from my hair, leaving it blonde (which it hasn't been since I was about 9 years old). I did have the intention of dying it green again and leaving the faded purple dye on the bottom the light blue it had become. Instead this happened.

I actually really love it.

I used Atlantic Blue by Directions, straight over the faded green.

Monthly Update :: June

June has been a crazy month! I honestly don't think I've stopped for at least six weeks now.

I am in desperate need of a day off but I don't see that happening in the near future.

My house is still not sorted out. It's my main job for the next week. My friend is moving in on Monday so I'm hoping this will be the deadline I need to get me moving.

I'm still surrounded by people everyday and I'm grateful for every one of them. 

Watching :: I'm still watching Hannibal, though now that my sky and internet have gone I'm watching them at my mums house.

Reading :: Mort by Terry Pratchett. I started it this morning actually. Death hires an assistant and it's safe to say he's a bit crap at it. If you haven't read any Pratchett books, what are you doing? Go read them.

Listening to :: Mainly Scuzz and Kerrang! music channels on in the background whilst everyone talks about nothing and everything all at once and over the top of each other.

Yet Another Hair Change

A few nights ago I helped a friend re-do the blonde in her hair and then dye the tips purple. On a whim we decided to do some of my hair too. The bottom few inches of the under layer and two thicker strips near the front are now a deep purple, and although the green needs redoing thanks to sun bleaching, I wanted to show you the results.

Writers Block

Despite having had a really busy month, I've found myself with little to nothing to write about. So instead today I'm just going to ramble on about everything and nothing all at once, because why the hell not?

After Paddy moved out, I've been struggling terribly with trying to both sort the house out, move furniture around so that the rooms look different, and make the house feel more 'me' and less 'us'.

There's so much stuff!

It always amazes me hoe much stuff one person can accumulate over a short space of time. When I met Paddy I lived in a bedsit. It was tiny but back then it was only me and didn't have a lot in the way of 'things' so it served me fine.

Over the four years I've been with Paddy, however, I seem to have accumulated an entire house worth of stuff and then some.

I don't like it.

My friends have continued being there. In fact, tomorrow, I'm having a day where I don't go out of the house because it's all caught up with me and I feel exhausted. Everything aches and I'm pretty sure I could sleep for a week if people stopped knocking on the door and waking me up.

I've fallen in and out of the group a few times over the years and I do feel quite guilty about it if I'm honest with myself. Each time has been because of relationships and I don't like that. The group is so tight-knit that anyone else coming in can feel intimidated by it all. It always results in me trying to split my time evenly between a relationship and the group, and the group always lose out. I don't want that again.

Not that I'm looking for a relationship.

I most certainly am not.

But my friends are always there, straight away when I need them.

I'm trying to put together a load of blog posts so that there is at least something going up but it all feels a little space-filler-ey. I don't want things to feel forced.

How do you bloggers cope with this?

I think the suns gone to my head.

Expect posts about the contents of handbag, outfit posts and all that cliched crap.

But for now...

sleep.

Four Recipes With Fruit For Summer

With summer fast approaching, (in some lucky cases already arrived - the weather is still back and forth here) I've had the sudden urge to start baking. here are my four favourite ones I've found on Pinterest lately.

1 :: Raspberry Lemon Cream Tart

2 :: Peach Tray Tart

3 :: Strawberry & Cream Slab Pie

4 :: Strawberry Sheet Cake With Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting

Monthly Update :: May

May has been a month filled with a lot of ups and downs. (that's probably putting it mildly)

It started off with amazingly god weather and I got back in touch with all my friends that have been away, or the ones that have been here and I've neglected completely.

It ended, however with the breakdown of my relationship and me now living on my own.

Anyone will tell you, I am terrible at organising. Needless to say, the packing is not going smoothly. My house is a tip and it is seriously stressing me out.

Watching :: As last month, I am watching Hannibal. The second series started airing here in the UK and i watch it religiously every Tuesday, as well as recording it to watch later on in the week. I've also been watching Fight Club, The Fifth Element and The Never Ending Story.

Reading :: I am reading Hannibal Rising after finding it in a charity shop last month, shortly after getting into the TV series. (Anyone who didn't know me probably would be worried about my ever growing collection of Hannibal books - without a doubt favourite character ever)

Listening to :: Reel Big Fish. I loved them through high school and I've had Scuzz on in the background as i've been packing the past few days. It's rekindled my love for them as Sell Out came on. If you haven't heard them before I highly recommend. Even my sister likes them and she is a huge one direction fan. (I love their cover of Take On Me)

Music In May

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Snow

Reel Big Fish - Take On Me

The All American Rejects - Give You Hell

A Day To Remember - All I Want

INME - Neptune

Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal

Limp Bizkit - Eat You Alive

Foo Fighters - Breakout

Less Than Jake - Look What Happened

Funeral For A Friend - All The Rage

Stone Sour - Through The Glass

Seether - Fake It

Smash Mouth - All Star

Life Changes

I've been somewhat absent form the blog lately and I was going to apologise but I realise that I'm not really sorry. Life has changed dramatically for me over the last few weeks and that's my reason.

In past blog posts I've, perhaps, over shared information on certain matters, but this isn't going to be one of those posts. The long and short of it is, instead of celebrating my 4 year anniversary on Friday 23rd May, my partner and I broke up.

I'm aware of how juvenile that statement is.

But if you've been here for a while then you'll know everything that we've been through and that it's a pretty big deal.

So I'm now living on my own for the first time in four years and it is a bit of an adjustment. There are still things that need to be cleared from the house at this point and a lot of sorting of bills to do, so I can't promise any immediate return to blogging but I will certainly give it a go.

After all, this whole blogging thing can be rather therapeutic.

Recent Pins

Last week, my motivation packed it's bags and left me. It's been quite difficult to deal with. In the hopes of getting myself out of this rut before I fall too deeply, I've decided to share some of my recent pins with you, in the hopes that they may inspire me to do something.

You can follow me on pinterest HERE

1:: Lately I've been sketching a lot so this picture of sketchbooks makes me want to get drawing

2:: Cake is, without a doubt, one of my favourite things to eat

3:: A simple and comfy outfit

4:: I'm not a huge dress fan but this one is perfect

5:: Amsterdam. We've been talking about going to Amsterdam for our stag/doe parties.

6:: There's something about trees that always reminds me of home.

7:: Who doesn't like croissants?

8:: I have a lot of tattoos and I'm always looking for more. At some point I shall run out of space but this one is subtle and I love it.

Spring Green

If you follow me on twitter or instagram (links in the sidebar) then you will already have seen that recently I've dyed my hair green. Originally I used the leftover blue I had from last summer, but after only stripping my hair once (and not bleaching it like last time) it turned green.

After deciding I actually really liked the green I purchased Spring Green by Directions.

Under the green, my hair is dark blonde and light brown, (something close to my natural colour - with the exception of my roots that always take to the blonde far too well) hence the streaks which I'm actually quite fond of.

I would imagine that if you had naturally or bleached blonde hair the colour would be much more intense.

Anxiety And Returning To Work

A few weeks ago I returned, part-time to my job working behind the bar. Although I like the job well enough, I'm having a real issue with accepting shifts. The minute I know I have a shift coming up I have to talk myself into it and spend the days coming up to my shift, mentally preparing myself for it. My anxiety grows the closer my shift gets and eventually I end up calling in sick or Paddy takes over my shift. (he's good like that. He'll take over whenever I need him to)

I'm not entirely sure whether it's the idea of working in general or if it's just the bar job. It was like this last time which was partly my reason behind leaving. (that and I found out I was pregnant and the long standing hours and moving bottles, boxes and barrels was too much) After accepting the bar job wasn't for me I returned to retail work. (which I also hated with a passion but didn't have too many anxiety attacks when faced with shifts until quite late in my pregnancy)

We could really do with the extra money right now and I kick myself every time I pass down a shift, but I can't seem to pull it together long enough to actually get behind the bar.

Right now the only thing I can think of doing is admitting once and for all that this type of work is not for me. I've never been very good with the public but it does seem to have gotten worse since losing my son. I shut myself away for such a long time, that I can't seem to get myself back out there.

Saying that I am looking to get back into school work again. Before my retail job and quite a bit before I got pregnant, I worked as a teaching assistant and it was the only job I've ever had that I really loved. I never had a problem with getting up in the morning and the routine of it made me feel much more at ease.

The idea of returning to the classroom actually has me feeling better about everything and makes me think even more that the bar isn't for me.

It's kind of sad really. Having to admit that I can't do something does not sit well with me. I don't like to do badly at something i turn my hand to. (i blame my father for that trait)

Had Edward still been alive right now I would still be at home, not even entertaining the idea of returning to work. Although I've nothing against the idea of day care as a whole, I would not put my child in any of the ones available to me in this town. I've seen a few during my training as a teaching assistant and I couldn't leave my young child in a situation like that. In fact I find myself leaning more towards a home schooling approach as the years go on.

Although I would be happy staying at home now, I feel a bit useless. With my lack of motivation I don't really do a whole lot around the house. In fact if I'm honest I don't do anything. It's something I'm working on. I was always good at keeping up with the housework and everything before so I would think it has something to do depression. Also something I'm working on.

Hopefully I can find a balance in my life that's not overwhelmed by my anxiety. 

Monthly Catch-up :: April

The month of April has been a very busy one in our house. We've celebrated two birthdays, had two weeks off, been ill, got better and watched countless movies. 

It may not sound like a very busy month but I'm just getting back into the swing of things. I'm out seeing my friends a lot more, I've made plans to get back to work full time in a few months, and I've made an appointment to see my doctor to talk about counselling. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time now.

Watching :: This month I started watching the Hannibal TV series. Originally I didn't want to because I loved the movies and didn't want to ruin them. But, Sky had the entire first series available on catch-up, so I gave it a go, and now I'm hooked. I'm patiently waiting for series two to air over here whilst re-watching the first series. 

Reading :: I'm currently reading quite a few books. I've always been able to read several at once without getting confused. Right now I'm reading : Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett (again!), Hound of the Baskervilles, The Hobbit (I don't actually know how many times I've read it), and the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (Paddy bought it for me at a second hand stall in the market and although I'm only a little bit through it I love it already)

Listening to :: This month I've mostly been listening to the Cranberries after listening to a cover bands rendition of Zombie in the pub. 

Rosie Is Three

Today, my dog, Rosie turns three. In light of the day I've decided to share some of my favourite photos of my crazy pet.

Motivation

Motivation is something I have a problem with. I've not always had an issue with it. I used to be able to get up in the mornings and get everything done. However, lately it's just escaped me. "To do" lists remain unfulfilled and unchecked on my desk, the dishes have pilled up, and the ironing remains un-ironed in favour of books to be read and television to be watched.

I wish had a list of things to put here, about how to find motivation and get things done, but I don't. I have absolutely no motivation at all and I can't give you any tips on how to get out of that. Instead I'm going to share with you a list of things that I have been putting together, of goals I hope to reach over the next few months.

Make a doctors appointment. This may seem like an easy thing for most people to do. Surely you just pick up the phone, ring the surgery and make an appointment. Unfortunately I have a very high level of anxiety and talking on the phone is terrifying. Also, the surgery panics me quite badly. But I need to get over it.

Blog more. I love doing this and once I get into the flow of sitting down and writing a blog post, I wish I had more to share with you guys. I love writing and I love blogging and hope to be doing it for a long time.

Get out of the house more. Due to zero motivation I rarely get out of my pajamas let alone leave the house. I need to learn to get moving in the mornings and get outside for at least a little bit each day. I shall go crazy if I'm to be stuck in the house every day.

Work more. I've recently gone back to work after a year out. It's slow work and only a few days here and there but I want to be able to say yes to shifts without panicking like crazy and dreading the day approaching.

Apply for school jobs. Come September the pub I'm currently working in will be closing and I'd really like to go back to working in a school. I'm qualified as a teaching assistant and worked as a one to one support assistant for two years. I loved it and although I originally said I'd never work with kids again after losing my son, I think I'm ready to go back.

Look after myself more. If I'm going to be perfectly honest with myself (and lets face it that's important) things have got really difficult to deal with lately. After losing Edward someone told me that the first year will be the hardest. I don't remember who that was but if I remember, I shall be having words with them. Because although the first set of milestones (birthdays, Christmas, mothers day) were very hard, grief has no time limit. Things have become increasingly difficult to deal with and we've been offered little to no help with coping. If it weren't for my GP taking it upon himself to ring me in his own time, no one would know if I were still alive. So, I've decided I need to go and get some help with things and I need to start caring that I'm okay more.

Sort out the house. I've always been particular when it comes to where things go. Everything has a place and nothing really needs to be left out. However, due to the things I've mentioned in the last post, I've let it all slip and my house is a jumble of things. I need to sort through paperwork and get rid of the stuff that is still packed away from when we moved in two years ago. If I haven't unpacked them by now then surely I don't really need whatever is in there.

Do any of you have any issues staying motivated? If so, how do you cope with it?

Happy Easter

Five Good Things About This Week

Weather The Weather this week has been really sunny. It's rather unexpected during the month of April but it is welcomed. Hopefully this will see us through spring and into the summer months now. Fingers crossed!

Lunch With My Friends Very rarely do I leave the house these days. It's something I've been trying to change lately. This week I've had lunch twice with my best friend. A lovely change to the mundane routine I have going.

Movies The beginning of the week was filled with movies for us, after a few lazy days in front of the tele. We bought The Hobbit: Desolation Of Smaug last week and, admittedly, I've watched it twice in the last few days. I regret nothing.

Unexpected Family Meetings This week I've bumped into my sister and my father unexpectedly whilst in town. I don't see my sister very often so I love it when I do get to spend some time with her. Now just to track down my elusive brother.

Baking I have done a lot of baking this week. Nothing lasted more than a few hours after exiting the oven but I'm fine with that.

Body Hair

With the recent Veet commercial sparking many comments about body hair lately, I thought I'd weigh in my two cents worth.

Body hair has been something of a controversial topic of conversation for quite some time now, with many people thinking their opinions on someone else's body truly matters. Please understand that's not what I am doing. I am writing this post purely with the intentions of telling people that whatever you do with your body, it's no one else's business but your own.

If you want to shave all your body hair off, fine. If you don't want to shave anything, fine. If you want to show yourself off, fine. And if you want to keep your body private, guess what, also fine. The only person that should dictate the rules for you, is you. And the whole idea that having body hair isn't womanly is absolutely ludicrous. Women naturally grow body hair. Sorry to tell you, but it's the truth. 

Watch The Veet Commercial Here

Many peoples first reaction to seeing body hair (mainly armpit hair on women if we're all honest with ourselves) is "eww!" And it really irks me. Body hair, or the lack thereof, does not determine anyone's personal hygiene.

When I was about fourteen someone made a comment about the hair on my arms being dark. All of my body hair is dark. My hair is naturally brown so it would be. The words this person used, were to compare my arm hair to a mans. Which, if I think about it now, is completely ridiculous. But fourteen year old Amanda felt very insecure and I've shaved my arm hair most weeks since then. Granted now I do it because I'm getting tattoo work done, but still.

Feeling the need to comment on anyone else's body is madness.

Similarly, after a conversation with my friends at the age we were becoming women, I removed my pubic hair in the fear that someone wouldn't like me if i had it. It was something I kept up with, removing most of my body hair daily for nearly ten years before I realised, I didn't actually want to.

Again I want to stress that I'm not telling you that you're wrong if you want to remove your body hair, but purely that you should do it for you and not because someone wants you to or you feel you must.

It's your body and you need to be happy with it.

Snapshots From Our Weekend #3

This weekend marked the last few days before Paddy returned to work. We kicked off the weekend by having lunch in our local with our friends and their son, in a late celebration of Paddy's birthday. (It's just occurred to me that it seems we spend a lot of our time in the pub but I promise we don't)

The rest of the weekend was fairly relaxed and we only left the house to walk the dog, watching little shop of horror and other movies on the T.V. The weather's been surprisingly bright. (Fingers crossed this is actually spring making an appearance now)

Friday Catch Up #4

This week Paddy has been on holiday, so I've had him home from work everyday, and it's been so nice to have some company. It's not until I'm around people that I realise how lonely it can get on my own.

We had originally planned on going somewhere, doing something, but opted instead for lazing around the house all week. It's been so nice not having to do something or be somewhere.

Sometime it's important to take a step back and do nothing.