Music In May

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Snow

Reel Big Fish - Take On Me

The All American Rejects - Give You Hell

A Day To Remember - All I Want

INME - Neptune

Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal

Limp Bizkit - Eat You Alive

Foo Fighters - Breakout

Less Than Jake - Look What Happened

Funeral For A Friend - All The Rage

Stone Sour - Through The Glass

Seether - Fake It

Smash Mouth - All Star

Life Changes

I've been somewhat absent form the blog lately and I was going to apologise but I realise that I'm not really sorry. Life has changed dramatically for me over the last few weeks and that's my reason.

In past blog posts I've, perhaps, over shared information on certain matters, but this isn't going to be one of those posts. The long and short of it is, instead of celebrating my 4 year anniversary on Friday 23rd May, my partner and I broke up.

I'm aware of how juvenile that statement is.

But if you've been here for a while then you'll know everything that we've been through and that it's a pretty big deal.

So I'm now living on my own for the first time in four years and it is a bit of an adjustment. There are still things that need to be cleared from the house at this point and a lot of sorting of bills to do, so I can't promise any immediate return to blogging but I will certainly give it a go.

After all, this whole blogging thing can be rather therapeutic.

Recent Pins

Last week, my motivation packed it's bags and left me. It's been quite difficult to deal with. In the hopes of getting myself out of this rut before I fall too deeply, I've decided to share some of my recent pins with you, in the hopes that they may inspire me to do something.

You can follow me on pinterest HERE

1:: Lately I've been sketching a lot so this picture of sketchbooks makes me want to get drawing

2:: Cake is, without a doubt, one of my favourite things to eat

3:: A simple and comfy outfit

4:: I'm not a huge dress fan but this one is perfect

5:: Amsterdam. We've been talking about going to Amsterdam for our stag/doe parties.

6:: There's something about trees that always reminds me of home.

7:: Who doesn't like croissants?

8:: I have a lot of tattoos and I'm always looking for more. At some point I shall run out of space but this one is subtle and I love it.

Spring Green

If you follow me on twitter or instagram (links in the sidebar) then you will already have seen that recently I've dyed my hair green. Originally I used the leftover blue I had from last summer, but after only stripping my hair once (and not bleaching it like last time) it turned green.

After deciding I actually really liked the green I purchased Spring Green by Directions.

Under the green, my hair is dark blonde and light brown, (something close to my natural colour - with the exception of my roots that always take to the blonde far too well) hence the streaks which I'm actually quite fond of.

I would imagine that if you had naturally or bleached blonde hair the colour would be much more intense.

Anxiety And Returning To Work

A few weeks ago I returned, part-time to my job working behind the bar. Although I like the job well enough, I'm having a real issue with accepting shifts. The minute I know I have a shift coming up I have to talk myself into it and spend the days coming up to my shift, mentally preparing myself for it. My anxiety grows the closer my shift gets and eventually I end up calling in sick or Paddy takes over my shift. (he's good like that. He'll take over whenever I need him to)

I'm not entirely sure whether it's the idea of working in general or if it's just the bar job. It was like this last time which was partly my reason behind leaving. (that and I found out I was pregnant and the long standing hours and moving bottles, boxes and barrels was too much) After accepting the bar job wasn't for me I returned to retail work. (which I also hated with a passion but didn't have too many anxiety attacks when faced with shifts until quite late in my pregnancy)

We could really do with the extra money right now and I kick myself every time I pass down a shift, but I can't seem to pull it together long enough to actually get behind the bar.

Right now the only thing I can think of doing is admitting once and for all that this type of work is not for me. I've never been very good with the public but it does seem to have gotten worse since losing my son. I shut myself away for such a long time, that I can't seem to get myself back out there.

Saying that I am looking to get back into school work again. Before my retail job and quite a bit before I got pregnant, I worked as a teaching assistant and it was the only job I've ever had that I really loved. I never had a problem with getting up in the morning and the routine of it made me feel much more at ease.

The idea of returning to the classroom actually has me feeling better about everything and makes me think even more that the bar isn't for me.

It's kind of sad really. Having to admit that I can't do something does not sit well with me. I don't like to do badly at something i turn my hand to. (i blame my father for that trait)

Had Edward still been alive right now I would still be at home, not even entertaining the idea of returning to work. Although I've nothing against the idea of day care as a whole, I would not put my child in any of the ones available to me in this town. I've seen a few during my training as a teaching assistant and I couldn't leave my young child in a situation like that. In fact I find myself leaning more towards a home schooling approach as the years go on.

Although I would be happy staying at home now, I feel a bit useless. With my lack of motivation I don't really do a whole lot around the house. In fact if I'm honest I don't do anything. It's something I'm working on. I was always good at keeping up with the housework and everything before so I would think it has something to do depression. Also something I'm working on.

Hopefully I can find a balance in my life that's not overwhelmed by my anxiety. 

Monthly Catch-up :: April

The month of April has been a very busy one in our house. We've celebrated two birthdays, had two weeks off, been ill, got better and watched countless movies. 

It may not sound like a very busy month but I'm just getting back into the swing of things. I'm out seeing my friends a lot more, I've made plans to get back to work full time in a few months, and I've made an appointment to see my doctor to talk about counselling. It's something I've been meaning to do for a long time now.

Watching :: This month I started watching the Hannibal TV series. Originally I didn't want to because I loved the movies and didn't want to ruin them. But, Sky had the entire first series available on catch-up, so I gave it a go, and now I'm hooked. I'm patiently waiting for series two to air over here whilst re-watching the first series. 

Reading :: I'm currently reading quite a few books. I've always been able to read several at once without getting confused. Right now I'm reading : Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett (again!), Hound of the Baskervilles, The Hobbit (I don't actually know how many times I've read it), and the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern (Paddy bought it for me at a second hand stall in the market and although I'm only a little bit through it I love it already)

Listening to :: This month I've mostly been listening to the Cranberries after listening to a cover bands rendition of Zombie in the pub.