As a lot of you may already know, at the beginning of this year I lost my son. This month will mark 10 months since his birth and 9 months since his death.
This year would have been his first christmas and for that reason we've decided it would be too painful to celebrate this year.
There wont be a tree or presents in the house at all and I wont be posting anything christmasey on the blog.
Next year we're hoping it'll be different. Hopefully there'll be another little person in the house to spoil. After all christmas is for the kids really.
The past week has been quite difficult really.
I was on facebook the other day when my friend put a status up saying "and another boy" (this is the friend whose little boy was born the day after Ted died)
The status was referring to two people in our town who both had little boys this week.
The comments underneath (that I wish I hadn't read) said things like "everyone is having little boys lately" and "can you imagine the mischief they'll be getting in 5-10 years time"
Naturally that hit me like a ton of bricks.
I got very upset and deleted my facebook.
Between friends posting pictures of their kids doing things that Ted should be doing by now and my mum posting status' everyday about how she misses Ted and does't get to be a nan (so not helpful) facebook is just too much for me to handle right now.
Also the T.V is out to get me right now.
I've not been out of the house on my own for a very very long time because, quite honestly it scares the life out of me.
Everywhere I look and every advert I see, there are children.
There was an advert on yesterday (I believe it was for nappies or something similar) that showed a new family with their baby and the line basically read that being a mum was the best thing ever and that babies are special. etc
I'm not disagreeing but it made me so upset.
Because I don't get to be a mum.
I don't get to see him smile or laugh for the first time.
I don't get to celebrate any milestones with him or hear him call me mummy.
I don't know, I guess I'm just having a bad lately because christmas is coming up. And not long after that will be his first birthday.
My apologies for the spontaneous, rambly, depressing blog post guys.
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