A few weeks ago I returned, part-time to my job working behind the bar. Although I like the job well enough, I'm having a real issue with accepting shifts. The minute I know I have a shift coming up I have to talk myself into it and spend the days coming up to my shift, mentally preparing myself for it. My anxiety grows the closer my shift gets and eventually I end up calling in sick or Paddy takes over my shift. (he's good like that. He'll take over whenever I need him to)
I'm not entirely sure whether it's the idea of working in general or if it's just the bar job. It was like this last time which was partly my reason behind leaving. (that and I found out I was pregnant and the long standing hours and moving bottles, boxes and barrels was too much) After accepting the bar job wasn't for me I returned to retail work. (which I also hated with a passion but didn't have too many anxiety attacks when faced with shifts until quite late in my pregnancy)
We could really do with the extra money right now and I kick myself every time I pass down a shift, but I can't seem to pull it together long enough to actually get behind the bar.
Right now the only thing I can think of doing is admitting once and for all that this type of work is not for me. I've never been very good with the public but it does seem to have gotten worse since losing my son. I shut myself away for such a long time, that I can't seem to get myself back out there.
Saying that I am looking to get back into school work again. Before my retail job and quite a bit before I got pregnant, I worked as a teaching assistant and it was the only job I've ever had that I really loved. I never had a problem with getting up in the morning and the routine of it made me feel much more at ease.
The idea of returning to the classroom actually has me feeling better about everything and makes me think even more that the bar isn't for me.
It's kind of sad really. Having to admit that I can't do something does not sit well with me. I don't like to do badly at something i turn my hand to. (i blame my father for that trait)
Had Edward still been alive right now I would still be at home, not even entertaining the idea of returning to work. Although I've nothing against the idea of day care as a whole, I would not put my child in any of the ones available to me in this town. I've seen a few during my training as a teaching assistant and I couldn't leave my young child in a situation like that. In fact I find myself leaning more towards a home schooling approach as the years go on.
Although I would be happy staying at home now, I feel a bit useless. With my lack of motivation I don't really do a whole lot around the house. In fact if I'm honest I don't do anything. It's something I'm working on. I was always good at keeping up with the housework and everything before so I would think it has something to do depression. Also something I'm working on.
Hopefully I can find a balance in my life that's not overwhelmed by my anxiety.
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