My son was only with me for 26 days and in total he spent 16 of those days in the hospital. All through my pregnancy I had a hard time feeling like a mum. Even though we tried for so long to have him I didn't quite believe it in the back of mind.
As a young teen, and into my late teens as well, I suffered with an eating disorder. It dipped in and out of a quite serious condition. There were times when I was admitted to hospital as an inpatient. During this time my periods stopped all together and it took them three years to come back. When we started trying for Ted my doctor did tell me that because of all this there may be a chance that it had impacted my reproductive system more than they originally thought. (I should point out that in the small town I live in there aren't very many good doctors and in my area of the country there are no eating disorder specialists - I have never seen one) I think the stress of that probably added to the stress of trying and getting nowhere. This, I feel, also added to my disbelief when we did find out we were pregnant.
I only ever called myself "Edward's Mum" once when I was going down to the NICU on my own after Paddy had to leave for the night.
All of these things, I think, contribute to why I don't feel like a Mum at all. I know I am a mum and people keep telling me, but I just don't feel it.
All the way through the pregnancy I looked forward to not sleeping, changing nappies, breastfeeding and watching my child grow up and now I can't. He will always be my son and I will always be his mum. Maybe it'll come with time.
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