Re-Joining The Human Race

Over the past few blog posts I have made a passing reference to re-joining the human race. In this posts I thought I'd explain it all a little further. It wasn't until my father and I were having a conversation a few months back, about the year in general, that I realised just how much of the year I had missed. I've simply been vacant for such a long time. Days spent curled up in the corner of my sofa with little to no energy for anything. Although this is all understandable while grieving, I need my life to continue on.

I did want to word that as 'I need to move on' but thought better of it. I don't want to move on because this wasn't the death of some family member that I'd barely known or a friend who has been in and out of touch for the years since we've been at school. This was the death of my son. So by 'I need my life to continue' what I mean is that I need to be able to do things, live and get out instead of wallowing in greif for months without consciousness.

The first step in putting this plan into action is to sort out my house. I live in a mess. I have done since moving out of my family home at the age of seventeen. Think student bedsit. I have way too much of nothing in particular. Boxes and boxes of old notebooks and various things that I didn't even know that I ever owned. To remedy this I have begun delving through the boxes precariously stacked under my stairs and chucking away a load of crap.

My second step is one that I'm very excited about, and that is to return to work. Not in my last job as a supermarket assistant, for I fear I may actually go on a murderous rampage if faced with all that again, but to the job I had before that as a barmaid. My local is without a doubt my favourite pub of all time. The atmosphere is relaxing and homely but with a music scene that brings it's own liveliness to the mix. I was asked to go back to work when we all went out to celebrate Edwards first birthday. It's something I've been thinking about for a while now and I am so happy about it.

The third step is probably my most important but it's the one that has me worried the most. It is simply to eat. I'm not entirely sure whether I've touched upon the subject on the blog before, but I know I've mentioned it briefly on my tumblr. For a large portion of my life I've suffered with a restrictive eating disorder. Somewhere along the time line of the last year I slipped and now I think I'm in a bit of trouble. At first things are always small. A missed lunch here, no breakfast there. But soon things get taken completely out of my hands. I reach a point where, instead of it becoming conscious small choices to cut back, I have no choice because my body simply will not allow me to eat anything. To anyone that has never had any of these types of issues, none of this may make sense. If I go too long without food, my body simply gets used to running on empty, so when I do eat I feel like I'm carrying a lead balloon in my stomach. I get cramps and my body just goes into shock. It's ridiculous, I know. But i'm hoping by noticing all of this early I will be able to pull myself out of the hole before I fall too deep.